Blog

Posted on

Hardware Store Regular

It’s the 14th day of summer vacation, and it’s going a lot quicker than I’d hoped. Fern and I have been up to all sorts of crazy stuff in the last two weeks. You’re probably wondering how painting Australia went (unless you live in Australia, in which case you’d know perfectly well). It went about as well as you’d expect, which is to say that we achieved our goal for the first day of summer vacation without any complications. Unfortunately, the evil scientist down the street decided to unleash his Raininator 5000 on the entire continent that day, washing all of the paint away before we could show our parents! For some reason, that really upset my big sister Candaice. 

Since then, we’ve been up to all sorts of things. Discovering something that doesn’t exist, building a rocket, climbing the Sydney Opera House and more. There’s a lot you can do in 14 days! Most of them have involved a trip to the best hardware shop in Cheltenham for timber, so we’re kind of regulars now. We’ll actually be heading over there soon since we need lots of quality wood for the petting zoo we decided to make today. The hardware store isn’t open yet, so I figured I’d write up this blog post while hanging out with my pet platypus, Peregrine. Wait, where is Peregrine? I’m sure he’ll turn up somewhere. He always does, usually right after the evil scientist down the street is defeated for the day, interacting with our own shenanigans somehow.

The last time I went to the hardware store to get some building supplies near Cheltenham, one of the employees did give me some attitude, which was a bit odd. He said, “Aren’t you a little young to be building a bridge to Tasmania?” At first, the boldness of the question took me back, but then I decided to just stare him in the eyes and say, “Yes, yes I am.” You wouldn’t believe it, but he just shrugged and sold me the supplies I needed! So yeah, summer vacation is going pretty well.

Posted on

Plumbing Hero Unnecessary

“You know, I thinking that maybe I should deal with this Trowser myself, for once.”

My heart jumped at the words uttered by Princess Plum. Deal with Trowser herself? That defied every tradition of the Fungus Kingdom. For hundreds of years, rulers have delegated the task of saving the kingdom to the first plumber to walk through the door. Red Mushroom Man’s friend, Marion the plumber, would arrive with Pink Mushroom Girl any minute now.

This was bad.

“Princess, are you sure that’s a good idea?” I asked, standing at her side. “This Trowser guy sounds dangerous. What would the people of your kingdom do if anything were to happen to you?”

Princess Plum simply shrugged. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out. You mushroom people are a resourceful bunch.” She nodded to herself. “Yes, I’ve made my mind up. I’m sick of needing to book drain repair close to Melbourne just to lure a plumber here to save the day. I can do it myself. Green Mushroom Man, please escort me to the armoury.”

I grumbled to myself, following the princess as she paced toward the side exit of the throne room. What was I supposed to tell Red Mushroom Man? Sorry, no adventure for Marion. Princess has decided to do it herself this time. Too bad. That wasn’t going to cut it. We were the Mushroom Rangers; nothing was impossible for us. There had to be some way to convince the princess.

“Princess, there’s something I haven’t told you,” I said, desperate to get her attention. “See, the thing is, we already found an expert at dealing with blocked drains. Melbourne plumber, as usual. It would be most rude to send him home. He is so eager to stop Trowser for us! He said that after the horrific things he’s seen while conducting drain camera inspections, nothing scares him anymore.”

The princess pursed her lips, considering my claim. For a moment, I thought she would ignore my plea. It wouldn’t matter that we had a drain professional ready to go on this insane quest. But then she sighed, flooding me with a sense of relief. 

“I suppose you’re right,” she said. The princess then smirked. “So, I’d better get ready to go with him.”

Oh no.

– Green Mushroom Man

Posted on

Disability care solutions

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve lived with a physical disability my whole life. I won’t say it’s easy, because it definitely is not. What I will say though is that I’ve found ways to manage living with my disability. This has come through many years of trials and tribulations. Things have definitely been a struggle at times. I’ve had to miss out on a lot of things other people without disabilities have been able to enjoy. I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t felt restricted in life. Basic day to day self-care tasks and errands take me three times as long to complete than a person without disability. Thankfully, I’ve found a helpful NDIS provider near me who has been able to give me the care I need so my daily life can become more simple.

I was living with my family for many years, but sadly two years ago this was no longer an option. Most people have babies and then their baby reaches a certain age and is able to fend for themselves. That’s not always the case when you have a child with a disability. My care needs didn’t reduce as I got older. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that I actually needed more support with age. I was very reliant on my family for so long, but sadly once my mum got sick she was no longer able to care for me. My mum developed her own myriad of health issues that made it impossible for her to give me the support and care I needed. 

As my mum’s health continued to dwindle, there was no other option but to put her in a home. This meant I had to start looking at other care options. There are many community nursing options in Adelaide for disability, and I’m pleased to say I found a facility that can care for me in ways I need. I now have the support to complete basic self-care tasks in my life. I feel able. I feel free. I feel I can finally make the most out of life.

Posted on

Balustrade Teeth Debate

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘Ooh, this place is nice,’ I whistled, as the real estate agent led us into the foyer of the brand new home. ‘Honey, check out this tiling.’

         ‘Uh-huh,’ my girlfriend sighed, beaten down by the four other listings we’d looked at already this afternoon. ‘Sure is nice tiling.’

         I smiled at her, trying to lift her spirit slightly, and she flashed me a weak smile back.

         ‘Now,’ the realtor went on, arms spread wide and teeth sparkling like the sun. ‘This is a lovely example of modern staircase design, with this unique glass balustrade feature that will be sure to make you the envy of your friends—’

         ‘Why would we want that?’ my wife frowned.

         ‘What’s that now?’ the realtor asked, thrown off balance by the interruption to her script.

         ‘Why would we want our friends to be jealous of us?’ my wife pressed her. ‘That sounds awful. Especially over something like a glass staircase balustrade? Quote me, if you like – nobody actually wants that.’

         ‘Oh,’ the realtor said, confused but still smiling (a combination that reminded me of a deer that had just been hit by a car). ‘Noted. Shall we go on?’

         ‘You’re not going to break the balustrade, are you?’ I whispered jokingly in my wife’s ear, as the realtor prattled on ahead of us. ‘Because I really don’t know if we can afford the Melbourne glass repair prices.’

         ‘No,’ she smirked. ‘I might break her though. Those teeth.’

         ‘Those are expensive teeth,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘I’m not sure we could afford them either.’

         ‘Then you’ll have to hold me back.’

         ‘I’m not going to hold you back.’

         ‘Then it’s up to fate now.’

         We burst into giggles, like school children on a field trip, and were immediately brought to task by a disapproving glare from the realtor.

         ‘Something I can help you with?’ she asked, curtly.

         ‘Oh, uh… no. Thank you,’ I added hurriedly. ‘Say, is that a butler’s pantry?’

         ‘It is, actually!’ she beamed, lighting up again and herding us towards the kitchen. I slipped my wife a sly wink.

Posted on

Home Heating Request

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘Honey?’ I called out absently into the house. ‘Sam, are you around?’

         ‘Yeah?’ she called back, voice coming from the bedroom.

         ‘Can you come here a minute?’

         ‘Why can’t you come here?’

         ‘Because I’m watching the telly,’ I said, briefly flicking up the volume for emphasis.

         ‘So?’

         ‘So I don’t want to miss anything!’

         ‘Well, I’m reading in bed,’ she said. ‘So if you want something, it better be important enough to get me out from under these covers.’

         ‘It is,’ I said. ‘It is, I promise.’

         I heard the muffled thumping of the blankets being shifted, and the unmistakable bass note of my wife grumbling to herself. After a second, she appeared behind me in the living room.

         ‘What?’ she asked, frowning.

         ‘Would you be able to flick the heating on?’ I asked her. ‘It’s getting quite chilly in here.’

         She blinked at me slowly for what felt like a full minute. ‘Excuse me?’

         ‘The heating,’ I said, gesturing at the thermostat set into the wall. ‘God, do you remember how cold this house used to get before we found someone to repair a heater near Canberra? Genuine lifesaver.’

         ‘You got me to get up out of my comfortable bed so I could turn on the thermostat that you can almost reach from the couch?!’

         I frowned at her, confused.

         ‘I told you, I’m watching something I don’t want to miss.’

         ‘It’s the commercials!’

         ‘Which is why we’re having this conversation now,’ I rolled my eyes. ‘Would you just…’

         I gestured at the heating control unit. She smiled thinly and turned to adjust it.

         ‘Enjoy,’ she said, icily.

         ‘Thanks!’

         ‘Oh, but just so you remember,’ she said from the doorway, ‘that person who came and fixed our heater? They also specialised in air conditioning repairs around Canberra too…’

         Laughing, she left the room, and I frowned at what she meant.

         After a moment, I began rubbing my arms, as an icy chill drifted into the room from the vents.

         ‘No…’ I whispered. ‘She wouldn’t.’

         ‘She did!’ came the call from the well-blanketed bedroom.

Posted on

Sneaky Office Design 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘So,’ I grunted, waving my torch in my accomplice’s face. ‘This is your idea of a good time, huh?’

         ‘Get that thing out of my face,’ he hissed, holding a gloved hand in front of his eyes. ‘Damien assured me you were a professional.’

         ‘Did he now?’ I chuckled, the sound echoing through the empty office space. ‘I have no clue where he got that impression.’

         ‘You two haven’t worked together before?’ the man asked me, his frown visible even behind the balaclava.

         ‘Oh, no, we have,’ I sighed, waving my torch around the maze of cubicles. ‘Just wasn’t anything professional about it.

         ‘Would you cut that out?’ he hissed again, dashing the few steps over to me and ripping the torch out of my hand. ‘People are going to see us!’

         ‘Oh, relax,’ I rolled my eyes. ‘Nobody cares. For all anyone on the street knows, we work for a company that does office design around Melbourne, trying to get the leg-up on the competition after hours.’

         I laughed again, but the humour was lost on my stoic companion.

         ‘Look,’ he grunted, ‘let’s just get what we came here for and then get out.’

         ‘If you want to be boring about it,’ I sighed. ‘But whatever. You’re footing the bill. Where are we looking, anyhow?’

         ‘That office,’ he pointed at the end of the row. I let out a cautious whistle.

         ‘Corner office,’ I nodded. ‘Pretty fancy mark you’ve got there.’

         ‘Yeah, something like that,’ he murmured. ‘Let’s just move, before a janitor sees us.’

         ‘Like I said,’ I bemoaned, for dramatic effect. ‘We’re innocent employees of a company that designs commercial fitouts for offices in Melbourne – if you don’t start singing the same tune as me, that’s how you end up caught.’

         ‘It’s a stupid tune!’ he growled. ‘Nobody would ever believe that!’

         ‘Wouldn’t they?’ I asked, arching my eyebrow, then realised that he couldn’t actually see the movement.

         He leant in close, eyes narrowed into a truly haunting glare.

         ‘Why don’t you ask him?’ he whispered, pointing behind me.

Posted on

Air Conditioning Meltdown

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I shivered as I walked into the office, drawing my coat around me and quickly hurrying to my desk.

         ‘Morning,’ rang the chorus, as I passed by several of my colleagues, and I half-heartedly acknowledged most of them. Well, half of them. One or two, I think.

         I slammed down in my chair, still absolutely freezing, and kept my coat wrapped around myself. It was always so damned cold in this building, even on a lovely spring morning like this! Why couldn’t they ever just leave the thermostat alone? No, every man in the building was suddenly an air conditioning technician from Canberra, intricately dialling in on the settings and tweaking the optimal airflow, with the specific goal of annoying me.

         Grumbling to myself, I flicked the mouse across my desk pad to wake the computer up. Work, the work, focus on the work, I told myself. Ignore your surroundings. Find your inner calm. Find your inner… find your… find… WAS IT GETTING COLDER?!

         I spun around in my chair, looking for the source, and felt a slight cold breeze tickle the back of my neck. I whipped my head around to the source ­­– a fully-blasted-open vent, right above my desk.

         I pushed the rage down inside me. I pushed it down deep.

         ‘Morning, Gretchen,’ Molly waved, walking past me with a company bagel. I ignored her; it was for her own safety.

         ‘Getting a little chilly, isn’t it?’ Molly said, seemingly reluctant to carry on with her life, unharmed. ‘I wish I knew how to get gas heating installed around Canberra, then I’d be set for the winter.’

         ‘It isn’t winter though, is it,’ I whispered.

         ‘What’s that now?’

         ‘This morning,’ I went on. ‘This season. It isn’t winter, is it?’

         ‘Oh,’ Molly frowned. ‘I suppose I haven’t really been keeping track—’

         ‘It’s spring!’ I roared, jumping to my feet, chair tipping over backwards. ‘It only feels like winter because somebody, somewhere, has decided that we need to be freezing in this office to get our work done!’

         Molly stared at me blankly for a second… then slowly walked away.

Posted on

Crushing Bathroom Remodel

‘Is that really necessary?’ I frowned at my husband, as he unveiled his latest bargain hunt in our driveway, ripping the tarp away.

         ‘Of course!’ he grinned, all bubbling with enthusiasm. ‘It’s going to be perfect!’

         I looked down at the rusty, dirt-ridden bathtub sitting on the concrete in front of me and made a conscious effort not to hide my scepticism.

         ‘Oh, good.’ He breathed a sigh of relief. ‘You like it too. I think it’s going to be a perfect addition to the bathroom remodel!’

         Apparently, I still did quite a good job hiding my scepticism.

         ‘Larry,’ I said, through a strained smile. ‘I think this might not be the find you think it is.’

         ‘What do you mean?’

         ‘It’s junk, honey,’ I said politely. ‘Absolute trash.’

         ‘It just needs a bit of work!’ he said, wounded.

         ‘I agree,’ I nodded. ‘Carrying it to the tip will be a lot of work. I think you can manage though.’ I clapped him on the shoulder and turned to head back into the house.

         ‘You don’t have any vision!’ he called after me.

         ‘Nope,’ I said without looking back.

 

         A few hours later, he came back into the house. I didn’t look up as he walked into the kitchen, engrossed by a flashy website with kitchen renovation ideas for a Melbourne home. He cleared his throat, and I flicked my gaze over to him.

         ‘Hiya,’ I said, absently. ‘Where have you been?’

         ‘Fixing up the bathtub,’ he said, somewhat indignantly. I had to laugh.

         ‘Why are you acting like I’m going to throw something at you?’

         ‘Because you might,’ he said, stiffly. ‘Emotionally.’

         I rolled my eyes, then pinched the bridge of my nose with a sigh.

         ‘Okay,’ I breathed out. ‘You’re right. I apologise for how I treated you this morning. You were clearly excited and I stomped on that.’

         ‘Thank you,’ he said, softening slightly. ‘So you’re happy to let me keep the bath?’

         I got up, closing the laptop and walking over to him. I grasped his shoulder softly, smiling up at his expectant face.

        I shook my head. ‘Absolutely not.’

Posted on

Plumbing Supply Tip

‘Ah, drats!’ I heard my housemate swear from the other end of the house. I reached over and turned off the TV, twisting so I could peer down the hallway from the couch.

         ‘Everything okay in there, Mick?’

         ‘Yeah, yeah,’ his annoyed reply echoed back to me. I heard some banging and clanging – another ‘drats!’ – and then he appeared, scowling, in the bathroom doorway. He was wearing his ratty housework-only shirt and had a towel slung over his neck.

         ‘Whatcha up to?’

         ‘I’m trying to fix that stupid shower,’ he grumbled. ‘I’m sick of the low pressure.’

         ‘Low pressure?’ I frowned. ‘Our shower has low pressure?’

         ‘You haven’t noticed?’ he asked, surprised. ‘It drives me up the wall.’

         ‘It’s the same as at my parent’s place,’ I shrugged. ‘Guess that’s all I’ve ever known.’

         ‘Lucky,’ he muttered. ‘My last apartment had the best shower in the world – I hardly ever spent an afternoon looking for a place to buy plumbing supplies in Cheltenham.’

         ‘What do we need?’

         ‘A new, uh…’ he scratched the back of his head, ‘…washer?’

         ‘A new washer,’ I repeated sceptically.

         ‘Probably.’ He nodded. ‘Or it’s a gasket.’

         ‘Isn’t that a car thing?’

         ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ he threw his hands up. ‘I never said I knew what I was doing.’

         ‘It was heavily implied.’ I laughed at the surly look on his face. ‘Just take a trip and ask someone who knows what they’re doing.’

         ‘I’m not paying for a plumber,’ he said quickly. ‘They’re an unholy mix of expensive and useless.’

         ‘Then do the cheap version of asking a plumber,’ I shrugged.

         ‘Which would be…’

         ‘You don’t know?’ I asked, my eyebrows shooting up in surprise. ‘Imagine that – me, the first-timer and you, the worldly apartment-dweller, being taught a few—’

         ‘Just tell me!’ he snapped, and I giggled again at his sour mood.

         ‘Find a good hardware store in the Bentleigh area,’ I explained slowly. ‘Ask for advice.’

         ‘That’s it?’

         ‘What did you want?’ I frowned.

         ‘An actual tip,’ he said. ‘That’s just… bothering someone on minimum wage.’

         ‘Fine,’ I said, turning back to the TV. ‘Pay for a plumber.’

Posted on

Inspiring Timber Construction

‘I’ve never seen anything quite so…’ I frowned, searching for the word.

         ‘Inspired?’ my partner suggested, brow furrowed in artistic concentration, analysing my every slight reaction to his piece.

         ‘No.’ I shook my head and laughed as he deflated slightly. ‘Not in a negative way,’ I said, soothing his ego back into shape. ‘Just… it defies explanation. Does it have a name?’

         ‘Not yet.’ He shook his head. ‘To be honest, it’s perplexing me a little bit too, and I sculpted the damn thing.’

         I took another walk around the piece, a colourless behemoth of strong lines and vague gestures.

‘Materials?’ I asked.

‘Whatever I had lying around.’ He shrugged. ‘Wood, mostly. A few different screws and bolts, some wire. I think there’s some electrical tape in there somewhere too…’

‘You should name it after the local hardware store in Cheltenham,’ I giggled, and he tipped his head in appreciation of my joke.

‘I don’t want to deal with a trademark dispute this early in my career.’ He laughed. ‘But I like the idea. Very conceptual. I’ll shelve it for later when I’m a cultural icon with millions of dollars and can throw my weight around.’

‘Any day now.’ I nodded, crouching down to examine the table. ‘Is this part of the piece?’

‘The table? Yeah, I just threw it together so it didn’t have to sit on my floor anymore.’

‘What’s it made of?’ I asked, running a tentative finger across the top.

‘Uh…’ he frowned. ‘Wood, I guess? I found it in the same scrap pile that most of the piece came from.’

‘So it is a part of it,’ I nodded, breathless. ‘The same Genesis.’

‘Just decent, good quality Cheltenham timber,’ he said, eyebrow cocked. ‘You feeling alright?’

‘Just… inspired,’ I said quietly. ‘Truly, inspired.’

‘Right…’ he frowned again. ‘Do you… need a minute?’

I straightened up slowly, closing my eyes and breathing in deeply through my nose. I turned back to him with a smile.

‘Would you mind?’